THOUGHTS AND RET.

Thoughts can create tension. How?

Thoughts are a tool we have to identify the world around us and to make it easier to deal with everything around us. Imagine that you have no thoughts, every time you're in a shop everybody should be interviewed to determine who actually works there! With thoughts, using words in your head, you can easily determine who to talk to in the shop. You create a reality to interact with the world around you as comfortable and easy as possible.

A thought also determines how you feel and how you behave. Let's look at the following example.

Imagine the following. You walk on the street, you just did some shopping and you're on the way home. En route you meet a familiar person. When that person is nearby, you greet her. She continues walking without saying anything. From that moment your mind plays a key role in how you react, and therefore how you behave and how you feel.

For example, you could think "well, strange! She did not salute me in return! What an arrogant woman". Such a thought probably has as result that you feel angry, and people can also see that in your behavior (think about your facial expression when you are angry).

You might also think: "boy, luckily she didn't see me, I would prefer to go home, and I really don't like her". This thought is likely to have as a result that you feel happy.

In exactly the same situation (you see somebody familiar on the street) we see two different reactions. From this we can conclude that it is not the situation that determines how you feel, but the thoughts you have in the situation, or: how you look at the situation. And that's the basic idea of RET, the Rational Emotive Therapy developed by Albert Ellis, an American psychologist.

Thoughts you have are the result of your whole life until this moment. They are based on everything you've ever seen, your fantasies, your beliefs, your entire education. They spring from the mind that is formed so far. Through those glasses, everything is viewed.

Of course, every situation can be interpreted in several ways. In fact, put 10 people in a situation and they have probably have 10 different behaviors and feelings because they look at the situation in their own way. But what is the right way?

What is the truth? Thoughts are used to look at the world, and thus we create our own truth. But this doesn't mean it is the truth.

A thought that is not true, can put you in trouble. An idea aimed at conflict, can pose difficulties. A thought which does not help you getting on with your life, does not make things easier. And you have those thoughts, we all do. That's part of our mind, and it belongs to people. But what now?

Everybody has thoughts that does not help him or her. Fortunately, thoughts are a tool and you can always decide what you think and if you want to go on with a particular thought. Change your thoughts, and your feelings and behaviors will also change.

Consider the following example, the following formula:

Thought + Feeling = Situation and Behavior.

(In a certain situation, you have a particular thought and that thought determines the feeling and behavior).

Situation  I am at a party and someone speaks to me.

Thought: "Oh no! Soon he finds that he does not like me. He must really dig me, I have to do good".

Feeling: anxious and scared.

Behavior: rapid heartbeat, sweating, fidgeting nervously, stuttering.

Here is a thought that probably does not help you in the situation: you want to be liked here, but the thought you have can actually mean that you only have a hard time making contact.

Change the thought, it will change your feelings. Look.

Situation: I'm at a party and someone speaks to me.

Thought: "Hey, how nice that he wants to talk to me. Who is that person?"

Feeling: happy, curious.

Behavior: open, breathe calm, relaxed posture, arms hanging loosely around my body.

This concept is applicable to all possible situations where you find that the behavior and emotion that you have did not fit the situation. Situations where you want to feel differently. You probably have a thought that does not help you.

Common fallacies include:

"Everybody has to like me."

"Everyone should be nice to me."

Catastrophizing: make a mountain out of a molehill.

Black and white thinking.